Thoughts on office communication

In our everyday language, subtleties can make all the difference in our message. Often, choosing which pronoun, 'I' or 'you', should carry the message and adjusting the message accordingly is all it takes to transform a difficult discussion into a helpful feedback session.

Consider the statement "You make me so frustrated when you don't finish your projects". By accusing the listener of directly affecting their feelings, the speaker assigns all responsibility to the listener. The most common reaction in all but the most patient and introspective of individuals would be defensiveness, as the listener feels personally attacked. This is an example of a 'you' statement'.

Now consider the emotions the following statement would evoke in our listener: "I feel frustrated when you don't finish your projects". The difference is subtle. In fact, the speaker is saying essentially the exact same thing. Yet they are taking responsibility for their feelings, conveying an entirely different tone. The listener may still become defensive as a result of the topic in question, but the use of an 'I' statement softens the blow and makes a productive response more possible.

Equally damaging and counterproductive are sweeping generalities, an easy trap to fall into in the heat of a tense situation. Imagine hearing "You always come late" or "You never get your work done". Sweeping generalities place a non-negotiable judgement on a person's behavior that invalidates any efforts they may be making to the contrary. It is a strategy that leaves the listener little option other than defensiveness.

'You' statements and sweeping generalities are tempting to use in the workplace or in our personal lives. They allow us to direct responsibility away from ourselves and often convey more candidly the anger or frustration we are feeling. Yet in the interest of more productive conversation, it is helpful to take into account how our language will forward the goal of the conversation. In fact, it may entirely transform communication in the workplace!